this too shall pass...right?

The last 3 days have been the worst out of the 23 days H has been gone. I have had my heart broken and I have grieved over the loss of loved ones, however I have never experienced such pain as I have in the last 3 days. Someone told me today I am grieving, as silly as it sounds that's what it feels like, but taken to the next level. I know that I will see H again and will be able to do all the things I miss doing. But there is this uncertainty about why I haven't heard from him, while everyone else from his division has made calls. None of the possible reasons for him not calling or writing make any sense. There is this great feeling of loss, the loss of the person who could make everything better, who could hug my tears away, who may not have always known what to say, but always remained by my side. I am no longer complete without him. I know that this new life will change who I am, strengthen me and make me take on challenges I've never imagined. I just thought I would handle it better and with more grace. So far I feel like I have failed myself and H. School is what I planned on anchoring myself to while he was in boot camp. Something as simple as getting sleep, getting up and going to class have recently proved to nearly be impossible. There is that point of just feeling numb and I am there. I have no motivation, focus or ability to prioritize anything lately. I had a recent meltdown over losing my mailbox key. Yes, it's just a key I can always get another one. However THAT key was the ONLY connection I had to H. Even though I am not receiving letters. As stupid as it sounds I was deeply upset about it. I took my cell phone into the testing center yesterday which is a huge no no, but it didn't matter because I rushed through the test fighting back tears the whole time, obviously my efforts will result in a failing grade, at this point I don't care. I screwed up and I know it. I just have to figure out how to pull myself back together and salvage what if anything is left of this semester.

♥ g 

who needs to walk?

I started walking with the dogs yesterday morning. What a great way to start my day. It was a good walk and the girls did pretty good. Today however they were bouncing all over the bed wanting me to wake up. I thought to myself, they think they want me to get up, but little do they know we are going for a longer walk today. I love the idea that I have 2 4-legged walking buddies for my "training" for the Susan G. Komen 3-Day walk for a cure. Not so sure they are as excited. We got up and they both hurdled the baby gate like champion jumping horses half a dozen times. I'm pretty sure they did it for the fun of it, they should have saved their energy. We headed out and it was already warming up some, but that's okay a good sweat in the morning is a good thing. The first half of the walk was full of me saying "easy, easy". Once we hit the turn around for today I was having to give them pep talks to keep them going. And I thought I was out of shape? I guess I'm in shape just not the shape I want. Poor girls I could see the sweat coming out of their fur. They did make it and I seriously considered letting them soak in a tub of cool water, they did try to get me to let them in a few fountains as we walked by them. Such labs, so cute. They made it to the water bowl and then passed out, and are still out. I have more arranging and unpacking/repacking to do today and lots of reading to do for school. A few more days and I can say I officially made it through week 1, feeling pretty good = )

♥ g

this isn't so bad...

Today is the first full day without H, no calls, no text, no getting to really tell him about my day. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, however I'm not going to count on every day being this easy. I spent the day going through clothes and other items and then called Catholic Charities to come get it all. That is going to be so much nicer than having to haul it all myself! This also kept me quite busy.

My momma made my roommate and me baskets full of goodies, mine is almost all gone. This is not helping me lose all the weight I gained in the months leading up to H leaving. I have a lot of work to do to get it all off. I am going to start swimming again next week at least 3 times a week and then start walking the dogs, they need it as much as I do.

I received H's address already and you know I've written him already. I also learned today that we shouldn't mail them just yet until I get the actual form letter. That's going to be hard but I'll do my best. I would rather him get the letters later than I planned, rather have them sent back. I am taking a picture of myself every day that way he can see me every day that he was gone. Today's picture was a make-up free picture I almost got dolled up for it, however I'm sending him me, today's me and I had a smile and that is all that will matter to him.

♥ g

the day

Yep, today is the day that couldn't get here fast enough for us, then when it did I wanted more time. H spent his last night with me last night, it will be at least 92 nights before I get to curl up next to him, have him play with my hair or rub my back when I can't fall asleep on my own, 92 nights that I will not have his hand to hold or his chest to fall asleep on...it's going to be a very long 92 nights without him. I actually slept well last night, perhaps I thought avoiding thinking about the last night would make it better. Perhaps God just knows how physically and emotionally exhausted I am. H didn't sleep at all.

Today was also my birthday, while I couldn't feel more blessed and loved with the family and friends I have, I did not have the energy to return calls, or even return facebook messages/comments, this will give me something to do in the sleepless nights to come. H woke me up with a Hello Kitty cookie cake this morning. Stating that he picked it up early because he knew I would want it for breakfast, my Aunti is right, that man is a saint.

My mom is also here, to well be momma, because I need it right now. She took me shopping today and H graciously tagged along. We hit Dillard's for Clinique bonus time and then the Lego store. Yes, I am 30-something now and I still love make-up AND Lego's. I bought Lego's last year on my birthday and I needed more to make my flower bed larger. My mom even thought the store was pretty cool.

We has lunch at California Pizza Kitchen it was wonderful. Stopped at Three Dog Bakery and got the girls St. Patty's Day cupcakes. Then off to Super H Mart to get some yummy Korean seasoning, aloe juice and Korean pears. This time I did not take photographs and was not seen as a threat by the Super H Mart "police". Nor did I buy or have anything Hello Kitty bought for me that makes my husband ashamed to be seen with me.

Birthday dinner was at Genghis's Grill, I love that place. I was given birthday brownie (what's a calorie again?) and H saved me from the embarrassment of being sang to. He was thanked.

At the Hotel it was time to say bye, which I, like so many people are terrible at. I bawled, and looked pathetic and couldn't have cared less. I hurt so very bad and feel so empty with out H here, but this pain is a much lesser pain than many are feeling all over the world, in different places, for different reasons. I need to remain strong and be thankful for every moment I have with those I love. These tears will eventually stop and I will see him again soon. I have amazing family and friends and as long as I remember this and that God has this under control I shouldn't have a thing to worry about. Feel free to remind me of this when I become unstable and refuse to leave my bedroom.

Tomorrow we watch H swear in and then he is off. After that I will sit and wait for his call from boot camp. Then the countdown till I see his handsome face will begin. At least this time I will become more excited as the days count down.

♥ g

17 Days

I think it's odd that I think to write on days which have 7 in them...boxes are piling up and we had to get 2 storage units.  I must find time to go through everything and seriously do the keep, toss, donate game with it ALL. Attempted to plan a surprise party for H however completely out-of-the-blue family drama ruined it.  People can be so selfish in so many ways, time, energy, love and even money.  I guess I don't get it.  We have revamped the going away party idea and while it is no longer a surprise I'm still excited about it.  H is too, which makes me most happy.  In a few weeks we will be moving.  Hard to believe I'll be moving a few times this year, getting orders for a base will be sooooo nice when the time finally comes.  Those orders may not come till end of 2012, oh well, it is all an adventure.  I think I will make a nice wall adornment that says just that, in case I forget.  This will be the first birthday that I have not looked forward to for months prior.  It's almost as if I'm not going to acknowledge it at all.  I have this idea that when you are in the military, you WILL miss holidays and birthdays and anniversary, so why not make up your own?  I think I will pick an August birthday this year, that's fair right?  ha ha...*sigh*...I love my life and those who are in it.  I think I'll leave this post with that.

♥ g

27 days...

I have a hard time believing that we have 27 days left before H leaves.  There is so much to do and yet we are quite ready for this.  I began packing last week and feel that I haven't even made a dent.  There are totes everywhere. Pink ones, navy ones, white ones, teal ones, and yes they are color coded for contents.  I sometimes think that my neurotic OCD is my way of retaining as much control possible over the things I can control.  Perhaps it's just my way of keeping my mind preoccupied.  I have enough these days to keep me distracted though, school has been a trip this semester, my classes are broad enough in different subjects that I will not have a chance to become bored, however the guilt I feel for the hours I have to put in while H is still here just rips at my heart.  The weather being as insane as I feel gave us a good week or more to be stuck inside and stuck to each other, neither of us really minded, but it has caused me a bit of premature separation anxiety.  I hadn't put a whole lot of thought in to the moment H walks into the recruiters office for the last time, or the moment I have to say goodbye that night at the hotel, or even worse the see you later at the airport.  I was more focused on the fun things I will mail him, the excitement of getting his letters, that first hug at graduation.  Call it denial, I don't know, but the reality just makes me feel ill.  I have decided to move in with a friend's girlfriend, she is super sweet and this move is giving me something to look forward to.  I decided that I didn't want to come back to our apartment after H's plane leaves, I just want to close that chapter and look forward.  I need no moments of breakdown in an empty apartment, nor do I want to invite anxiety in.

In other depressing news my cousin was diagnosed with breast cancer in January, I can't begin to even release how I feel about this.  I'll need some more time to let it absorb.  I'm walking in the Susan G. Komen 3-day for the cure in November.  I am walking in honor of her, of course, yet she is just one of many that has touched my heart.  Her first day of chemo was today, I knew I shouldn't have called her, but I did.  Fighting tears is not a strength of mine, however I have gotten a lot better at it lately. I hope she didn't notice my rush to get off the phone.  It scares me.  Everything about it scares me.

My bottled up emotions over everything that has surrounded me lately is about to become uncapped, that moment of just pushing away everyone and everything just so you can breathe, I'm almost there...

g

and the roller coaster goes up...

Woke up way later than I had planned (not happy with the new downstairs neighbor and his noises in the middle of the night) so I got to school at 8-something. Went to all the appropriate places and stood in all the appropriate lines and around 9:30 I found my way to my hopefully-soon-to-be math professor. He has a 10:00 office hr so it was working out well so far.

Headed to the bookstore to see what I could do about my already opened math book and used mymathlab code. That would be nothing...I could return it all for $125 and take the code back and they would charge me $90 for it. Then I would get a new bundle of books for another $125 and they would keep the new code, and if the old code wouldn't work for the new class, guess what? Another $90 code. *sigh* yes this seems fair, oh well, whatever I have to do. So I return a different book and hang on to the math book and code until I have talked to my new professor.

He was more than willing to let me in his class and was surprised I was going to a lower level, he says he is usually trying to talk students into doing what I was asking to do. I like him already. He got me set up and squared away. Then I brought up the code situation, yup I needed a new one, nice. On top of that I was going to need another graphing calculator, I have 2 already, but thanks to technology I needed a different one. There goes another $150.

So I go to several more appropriate offices and get told I'm not in the appropriate office, so back to the first appropriate office, after several trips back and forth from one end of campus to the other I finally got the itty bitty signature that the old bitty was so hesitant to give me. The registrar saw who it was and assured me that it wasn't me, that she lives to make other people miserable. Well 1 out of 5 people being awful in one morning at a college, not bad in my opinion.

Back to the bookstore to cause some more damage to my financial aid. I had already been told I needed another code but I just wanted to try it anyway, before I spent another $90.  So we went with the return for $125, bill me for $90 and then I would get the new books for another $125, then the girl behind the desk mumbled something to the other lady and the lady says "I was thinking the same thing, sure" girl hands me the textbook and solutions manual and says "a guy came in earlier and was returning everything too, but didn't have the code, he got mad and said we could trash these, a few pages are folded, they are free if you want them" uh yeaaaa! I just kind of stood there in shock.  The irony of me benefiting from someone else's temper is just too much.  So we are back to just returning $125 and spending $90, I can deal with this.  I ask about the calculators, and after hearing they really were $150 I said I'd have to wait.  She then lets me know they have used ones.  Really? Wow! So they are just under $100 and I know they are over $100 at walmart, so sure why not.  It looks brand new.  I am pleased!! So I thank the girl repeatedly and went on my way.

I get home and try the code, nope it wanted a new one.  I clearly don't always take no for an answer, especially when it is going to cost me $90.  So I called the customer service number with mymathlab.  After a 20 minute wait time I told the lady what the situation was, that I was still only in one class, and I asked if we could, oh say void the previous registration and class and use it for the new one.  She says "sure".  *mouth drops open*  yea, my day went WAY better than I had ever hoped.

So my advice isn't to not take no for an answer, just to explore all the possibilities before you accept no is the answer...
♥ g