06 April 2011

this too shall pass...right?

The last 3 days have been the worst out of the 23 days H has been gone. I have had my heart broken and I have grieved over the loss of loved ones, however I have never experienced such pain as I have in the last 3 days. Someone told me today I am grieving, as silly as it sounds that's what it feels like, but taken to the next level. I know that I will see H again and will be able to do all the things I miss doing. But there is this uncertainty about why I haven't heard from him, while everyone else from his division has made calls. None of the possible reasons for him not calling or writing make any sense. There is this great feeling of loss, the loss of the person who could make everything better, who could hug my tears away, who may not have always known what to say, but always remained by my side. I am no longer complete without him. I know that this new life will change who I am, strengthen me and make me take on challenges I've never imagined. I just thought I would handle it better and with more grace. So far I feel like I have failed myself and H. School is what I planned on anchoring myself to while he was in boot camp. Something as simple as getting sleep, getting up and going to class have recently proved to nearly be impossible. There is that point of just feeling numb and I am there. I have no motivation, focus or ability to prioritize anything lately. I had a recent meltdown over losing my mailbox key. Yes, it's just a key I can always get another one. However THAT key was the ONLY connection I had to H. Even though I am not receiving letters. As stupid as it sounds I was deeply upset about it. I took my cell phone into the testing center yesterday which is a huge no no, but it didn't matter because I rushed through the test fighting back tears the whole time, obviously my efforts will result in a failing grade, at this point I don't care. I screwed up and I know it. I just have to figure out how to pull myself back together and salvage what if anything is left of this semester.

♥ g