07 April 2012
H's best buddy S had just arrived in town to surprise him for his birthday. All was great, I was super excited for them to be together again and couldn't wait for all the adventures we had planned to celebrate. Rounding out a longer than usual day for us I got ready for bed. I headed into the kitchen to take my prenatal vitamin and when I started walking out I felt a warm gush. I bolted to the bathroom unable to breathe. I swear I was blacking out, maybe that was just my mental state and emotions being slammed into numb. I yelled for H and said we have to go to the ER, now. He looked down and in typical fashion remained calm and reassured me. It was no help, I could tell he was scared too, which only confirmed that I was not imagining what was happening. The three of us headed to the ER. I called my Dr. and the on-call nurse said my symptoms seemed hopeful in this situation. THIS situation, oh my God we are back to this again. I refrained from crying, I refrained from feeling anything. The sympathetic ER staff made it surreal, they see this all the time, they went through the motions like they are trained and I was sent to a bed to "relax". I have a hard time recalling what all actually took place, but I remember that it seemed to have been confirmed that the baby was gone before we had any actual proof. We were told that they called in a tech that was better at doing these kinds of ultrasounds. It seemed like it took forever for her to arrive. When she did I was taken back to the ultrasound room which was cold and dark. It was fitting for how I felt. She began looking and remained calm and very caring. I looked at the clock and realized it was minutes before H's birthday. I thought oh please God if it is bad news do not give it to us on his birthday. It would mar both of our birthdays for years to come. I told the tech that I knew she probably wasn't allowed to say and I respected that but if she could somehow let me know what she was seeing I really needed to know either way before midnight. She informed us that the pregnancy was still intact and the heartbeat was good for 7 weeks. It was words that finally allowed me to let out all the tears that had been held inside for the last several hours. I was put on limited activity and told what to watch for. We asked for and received many prayers over the next few days. It seemed all went as it should and after a few days in bed I was feeling better about going on with plans. I'm not certain what all I promised God that night, but everyday I thank him for the opportunity to be the best mama, wife and person I can.