15 May 2013

Pre-D sucks...

So here I am sitting at my computer once again unable to sleep because the lists of things to accomplish before deployment just keep slapping me in the face repeatedly.  Perhaps that's my OCD saying, "OMG you are never going to get it all done the way it MUST be done!"  At this point I just don't care.  I am doubting my decision to head home, home where I haven't lived in over 15 years.  I sit here and decide I need some Miranda Lambert Radio on Padora, welp that's what I got alright.  First song that comes on is "The House that Built Me" in case you are familiar here is the video.  Miranda  I had this little adventure not too long ago, went out to the farm I grew up on when I was little and asked if I could take some photos, it seemed nothing had changed much.  But that wasn't "going home" by any means, I was visiting.  This next adventure now includes our little mini me.  I have recently been upset about what kind of terrible example I am going to be setting for her when I completely fall to pieces missing her daddy, I don't want her to see that.  Then someone who often asks for my advice and help returned the favor by simple saying, "Because if she doesn't, when she's in those moments and she thinks you never crack, you'll be the last person she goes to because she won't think you understand."  Well put.  I had nothing to come back with.  I guess I just don't want her to hate this life.  This life gave us her, if it wasn't for the Navy we wouldn't have had the chance to have children.  THAT is what I hang on to when I think about wanting to curse this life and hate it.  Deployment fun-list, go to The Pink Pistol and pray really hard we get to meet Miranda there.  If music has taught me anything is that sometimes when it comes to me this is the avenue in which God speaks to me loud and clear.  And wouldn't you know it the next song is Tim McGraw and "Where the Green Grass Grows."  I get it, go home, it won't be a mistake.  Now what is magically going to help me with the rest of the thoughts that just won't settle down?  I guess that is what these last few months are for, figuring it out one ticking-away-day at a time.  

♥ g