24 April 2016

Let it Goooooo!

A little over a month ago someone, who's opinion means a lot to me said, "you make it all look so easy." I laughed. Nothing about being a military spouse with a three year old who doesn't understand, full time graduate student and part-time employee is easy. I don't ever want to give the false impression that it is by any means. Sacrifices are the only constant and reevaluation of priorities keep me up at night. Questioning, "where have I failed today" and tear-filled prayers for strength and perseverance end my day somewhere around 1am. Every. Single. Night. Only two people knew this truth. We make goals, strive for them and understand that sacrifices have to be made. Unfortunately at some point we have to weigh the cost of those sacrifices and make the tough choices of admitting where we must shift our priorities. God and my family come first. If those two are suffering in any way then nothing else should matter. I won't say that grad school isn't for me, I love school, I always will. But in this moment of my life, a little person needs her mama more than she needs to see the back of her head working on school every night. Her daddy will be gone soon for the longest time she will remember. It will be hard on us all. Priorities shift, they don't disappear. Do I feel like a failure as a grad student? Yes I do, until I compare it to being a failure of a parent, that is not something I can live with. Putting grad school off for a little while absolutely will not kill me. We were blessed with this incredible baby that we prayed for for NINE years, what in the world is so difficult about this decision? Nothing when you finally feel like God has given you the solution. I'll have to work on forgiving myself for the damage (that I most likely have imagined) I have done so far by fighting SO hard to juggle it all. Because I can't. You can't. No one honestly expects us to. Being in the moment with who we are is ENOUGH, it will always be enough. Women by nature feel the need to always be more. Today I am enough. Tomorrow it will be enough, I will be enough and the greatest reward will be a happy three year old who has all of her mama. Love yourself a little more, give yourself a little more credit, be in the moment, be enough. ♥ g