15 February 2011

27 days...

I have a hard time believing that we have 27 days left before H leaves.  There is so much to do and yet we are quite ready for this.  I began packing last week and feel that I haven't even made a dent.  There are totes everywhere. Pink ones, navy ones, white ones, teal ones, and yes they are color coded for contents.  I sometimes think that my neurotic OCD is my way of retaining as much control possible over the things I can control.  Perhaps it's just my way of keeping my mind preoccupied.  I have enough these days to keep me distracted though, school has been a trip this semester, my classes are broad enough in different subjects that I will not have a chance to become bored, however the guilt I feel for the hours I have to put in while H is still here just rips at my heart.  The weather being as insane as I feel gave us a good week or more to be stuck inside and stuck to each other, neither of us really minded, but it has caused me a bit of premature separation anxiety.  I hadn't put a whole lot of thought in to the moment H walks into the recruiters office for the last time, or the moment I have to say goodbye that night at the hotel, or even worse the see you later at the airport.  I was more focused on the fun things I will mail him, the excitement of getting his letters, that first hug at graduation.  Call it denial, I don't know, but the reality just makes me feel ill.  I have decided to move in with a friend's girlfriend, she is super sweet and this move is giving me something to look forward to.  I decided that I didn't want to come back to our apartment after H's plane leaves, I just want to close that chapter and look forward.  I need no moments of breakdown in an empty apartment, nor do I want to invite anxiety in.

In other depressing news my cousin was diagnosed with breast cancer in January, I can't begin to even release how I feel about this.  I'll need some more time to let it absorb.  I'm walking in the Susan G. Komen 3-day for the cure in November.  I am walking in honor of her, of course, yet she is just one of many that has touched my heart.  Her first day of chemo was today, I knew I shouldn't have called her, but I did.  Fighting tears is not a strength of mine, however I have gotten a lot better at it lately. I hope she didn't notice my rush to get off the phone.  It scares me.  Everything about it scares me.

My bottled up emotions over everything that has surrounded me lately is about to become uncapped, that moment of just pushing away everyone and everything just so you can breathe, I'm almost there...


1 comment:

  1. Just know g that God will help you through and that we as your friends are here to support you any way we can... praying for you beautiful ..